


Need

by ourfreewill



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt TK Strand, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Purging, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28741851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourfreewill/pseuds/ourfreewill
Summary: It's never enough, yet he still tries. Nothing he does makes anything feel right, to make him feel anything but numb. He can put the roots back to his teenage years, but he forgets how much it makes hate himself. Alex’s rejection and betrayal had brought it back from the dead. He had returned once more to the hunching over the toilet as he retched. Over, and over, and over.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	Need

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings are in the tags.
> 
> I wouldn't advise reading if struggling/or have struggled with disordered eating. But alas, it is your choice. 
> 
> (There might be really dumb mistakes because I typed it using voice to text and might have missed some really obvious errors)

This is never enough, yet he still tries. Nothing he does makes anything feel right, to make him feel anything but numb. Even the oxy just let him get hazy and lighter - took him away from his life and himself. This, though, is even older than his addiction. He can put the roots back to his teenage years, but he forgets how much it makes hate himself. More than what he thinks is possible.

TK had purged for the first time when he was fourteen. He came home from school, ate a bunch of food, and wished he hadn’t. Usually, he would have just refused to eat anything later, but every second he sat in that room knowing it was inside him made him want to tear the fat off his body. Peeling back each layer until he was satisfied. 

He had got up off his bed, walking to the bathroom with a determination he hadn’t felt before. He didn’t even shut the door, knowing his mother wasn’t going to be home for hours. He stood in the bathroom for not a minute before he cemented his decision. Now, he will concede he wishes he had never made that decision.

After that day, TK had continued purging, but only occasionally. Only when he felt particularly disgusted with himself. The first time he admitted internally he had a problem was the month after his first overdose. 

He purged anything he felt was ‘too much’. Living with his dad - who was usually too busy and too tired to cook meant that he bought and ate a lot take-out. TK had always associated take out with bad, so, he eating it was bad to him. There wasn’t one week he didn’t go without purging.

It wasn’t until there wasn’t a day he wasn’t without purging that he wanted to talk to someone about it. He intended to start with his therapist, not start and end with him. 

The reaction of his therapist was not helpful. In fact, it had sent him spiralling again. He was told to grow up. He was not an image-obsessed girl, and he should just eat. That night, he had snuck out to buy oxy.

His problem was dormant after that, but not extinct. His relapse after Alex’s rejection and betrayal had brought it back from the dead. He knew that he couldn’t just keep taking drugs, so he had returned once more to the hunching over the toilet, one hand braced on the wall, the other hanging at his side, dripping stomach acid as he retched. Over, and over, and over, until his face was red, his eyes streaming tears down his face, throat raw and protesting each cough that was forced out of him. He laughed each time someone asked him if he had fought someone when they saw the red blotches on his knuckles.

Tonight isn’t much different from the others. Looking over to the mirror, his reflection looking back at him, taunting him.

_Broken._

_Pathetic._

_Weak._

_Never good enough._

He prepares himself to face the world again. He straightens up. Rolls back his shoulders. Forces his face muscles into his happy face. His _‘everything is fine’_ face. Washing his hands, then dousing his face in the cold water - attempting to make puffiness go away. Lastly, he rinses his mouth before popping in a piece of gum.

It’s never enough, but right now, it’s what he needs, and it’s all he has.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick note: if the person you tell about your ED tells you to just eat more, run. I didn't and look at me now :D
> 
> Yeah so this is me projecting onto characters again lol. I relapsed back into my dumb bulimic shit again... wow go me. I focussed just on the purging side of things because that's what I needed to get off my chest tonight. I'd place this canonically like just after they got to Austin, so like between ep 1 and 2 - but like read it how you want haha. 
> 
> Kinda want to keep writing it, but idk. Might just do a whole new story... hmm... 
> 
> anyways, night night


End file.
